‘Standing silently during national anthem’ ousts ‘being Scottish’ from the top of the Daily Mail faux outrage league table, whilst doing unspeakable things to pigs fails to make the top 100

The Daily Mail’s annual faux outrage league table has been published with ‘anger at someone standing silently in a respectful manner during the national anthem’ going straight in at number one among a top 100 list of things you should get really, really cross about. It knocks ‘somebody being Scottish’, which topped the 2013 and…

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News / Science and Technology

Mars Rover apologises for taking a piss on Mars as reason behind running liquid unveiled

“I didn’t think anyone would find out” says probe A Mars Rover has issued a heartfelt apology for inadvertently misleading Nasa scientists who thought they had found evidence of running water on Mars. The discover had been hailed as a major breakthrough by scientists who believed it offered the first real prospect of finding living…

News / Politics

Daily Mail slams Corbyn for not supporting fascism in the 1930s

The Daily Mail has accused Jeremy Corbyn of lacking patriotism and hating Britain because he didn’t support fascism in the 1930s. The paper, which in the 1930s heaped praise on Hitler’s Nazi Party and lauded the efforts of Oswald Mosley’s blackshirts in the years before Nazi Germany tried to obliterate Britain said the new Labour…

Entertainment / News

British press celebrate old lady getting a bit older

The British media has given widespread coverage today to the news that an old lady from London has got a bit older. A Mrs Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is now a day older than she was yesterday and plans to celebrate with a coach trip up to Scotland. Speaking exclusively to Not London News, Mrs Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, of…

News / Politics

Labour leadership contest still has 12 years to run

There has been widespread public dismay at the news that the Labour leadership contest still has 12 years left to run. The contest, which will select the person who party members deem will stand the best chance of losing general elections, started a number of decades ago, well before some of the candidates were born.…

All outdoor live music now called ‘a festival’ research finds

Live music can no longer be played in public without it being called a music festival, researchers have found. The research, published by academics from a university somewhere in the British Isles, found that even a man playing a flute badly in a town centre results in people setting up stalls selling pints of overpriced,…

Jeremy Corbyn supporters ask Tony Blair if they can have heart transplants done privately

Supporters of left-wing Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn have asked Tony Blair if they can have heart transplants done privately. It comes after the former Prime Minister said that Labour supporters planning on voting for Corbyn were being led by the heart and needed a transplant. Corbyn supporter Dave Ramsbottom from Manchester said, “Given Tony…

Tony Blair: Even Trotsky thinks Corbyn is too left-wing

Tony Blair has waded into the Labour leadership debate by claiming that Leon Trotsky told him that he thinks Jeremy Corbyn is a dangerous left-wing radical. Speaking at some event or other in London, the former Labour Prime Minister said, “It isn’t just me that thinks Jeremy Corbyn is a dangerous left-wing ideologue hell-bent on…

North to be given second hand go-karts

Originally posted on notlondonnews:
Commuters in the North of England are to be given second hand peddle go-karts under a scheme designed by the government to stop hard pressed commuters moaning about how bad the trains in the North are. Whilst the majority of people in the North are too lazy to work, a substantial…

Glaswegians invite Iain Duncan Smith to “come up to Easterhouse and try that double fist pump celebration in front of us”

Glaswegians have politely invited the Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, to come up to Scotland and re-enact the double fist pump celebration he displayed during last week’s budget. Duncan Smith has spent the last five years on a one man crusade to make the lives of people living in poverty even shitter. The…

SNP bid to make hunting Tories legal

Hunting Tories is already legal north of the border and an amendment being tabled by the SNP aims to bring the law in England and Wales in line with Scotland. The Scottish National Party are to table an amendment in Parliament calling for hunting Tories to be made legal in England and Wales. The move…

“Osborne not pushing enough children into poverty” says Harman

Harriet Harman, the interim Labour Party leader, labelled George Osborne as ‘weak’ and ‘a big softie’ today, saying his cuts to tax credits and other benefits won’t do enough damage to people’s lives. The move follows up her announcement on Sunday that the Labour Party intends to back the Chancellor’s decision to cut child tax…

CORRECTION: Cameron seen taking Clegg for one last walk through Downing St Rose Garden

Yesterday we wrongly reported that David Cameron and Nick Clegg were seen taking one last nostalgic walk through the Downing Street Rose Garden. It turns out our sources were wrong and that Cameron was actually taking Clegg for a walk. We apologise for misinforming our readers.

Telegraph, Sun and Daily Mail urge readers to vote Labour

Free ‘we love Ed’ t-shirts given away in the Daily Mail. The Daily Telegraph, Sun and Daily Mail have urged readers to back Ed Miliband and vote Labour in today’s General Election, we can report. After weeks in which all three papers have attacked the Labour leader, all have run editorials saying they were only…

Clegg and Cameron seen having one last hand in hand stroll through Downing St rose garden

David Cameron and Nick Clegg have been seen having one last nostalgic stroll through the Downing Street rose garden, it can be reported. Five years on from the very public announcement of their love affair in the Downin St Rose Garden, the pair of privileged English toffs are said to be distraught that things are…

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