A major sectarian rift has opened up between followers of Ant and Dec. Ant and Decites are said to have fallen out over which of the two large foreheaded Geordies is which. Ant and Decism, the world’s fastest growing religion, has overtaken traditional religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Islamism and Scientology in large parts of…
Government Minister Maurice Hapsburg MP is proposing the introduction of a ‘sponsor a northerner’ scheme after reading the harrowing account of Northern life in Jeremy Clarkson’s recent Sunday Times article. Clarkson set out the terrifying experience of having to share the same air as Northerners in his regular Sunday Time Column. Visiting Liverpool, the political…
Sunday Times readers living south of Birmingham have hailed Jeremy Clarkson as the new George Orwell after reading his account of a trip to Liverpool at the weekend. Following in the footsteps of literary legend George Orwell, leading sociologist and Top Gear presenter Clarkson ventured up north for his regular Sunday Times column to shine a…
The Government is planning to rush through emergency legislation that will allow the votes of certain celebrities to be worth more than regular votes come the General Election. For example a vote by Ant or Dec is expected to be worth around 10,000 regular votes. The move comes following concerns within the Conservative Party that…
A highly successful, privately educated posh person from London is struggling to explain why he and many of his contemporaries are highly successful after being given an award for playing some scientist bloke. “He just can’t understand it”, said a friend of the Eton educated, Cambridge graduate. The friend continued, “It’s really weird at the…
Chancellor George Osborne has hailed as a major success his plans for a ‘Northern Pigeon Shed’ following an announcement that Manchester Airport is to be transformed into a giant home for the cooing fowl. Osborne sees the Pigeon Shed as central to consolidating the longstanding North-South divide with all London and South-East pigeons expected to…
The Pope has been told to start making controversial and unpopular comments by senior figures in the Vatican following concerns that he is coming across as too nice. The Vatican is concerned that their long fought for reputation of being seen as elitist, aloof, uncaring and concerned with covering up scandals is being undermined by…
Not London News can report that millions of Ant and Dec disciples are waiting on the Geordie pair’s next words of wisdom following their criticism of Ed Miliband. The intellectual pair, renowned throughout the world for their pronouncements on important philosophical issues such as whether Callum Best can survive for two minutes in a box…
Commuters in the North of England are to be given second hand peddle go-karts under a scheme designed by the government to stop hard pressed commuters moaning about how bad the trains in the North are. Whilst the majority of people in the North are too lazy to work, a substantial minority undertake paid work,…
Treasury officials are delighted that a whip round at Amazon’s offices and quick check down the back of a couple of sofas in the retail giant’s reception area has resulted in the company paying an extra seventy two pence in tax to HMRC. The money is expected to increase Amazon’s tax payment by around 30%.…
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