Editors of the Daily Mail’s online website have banned any content relating to the UK’s general election as it isn’t titillating enough, it has been revealed. A Mail insider spoke exclusively to Not London News saying, “there’s no way we’re going to distract our readers from pictures of a scantily clad Kim Kardashian by reporting…
Alexander and his friends were searching for treasure using a Spanish treasure map they found in the attic. Lib Dem Treasury spokesperson Danny Alexander has revealed he accidently stumbled across his backbone last night. The Beaker lookalike, who has revealed Tory plans to cut Child Benefit in today’s Guardian, says he misplaced his backbone about…
In terms that reminded this hard-bitten news reporter of the last days of Hanoi, the political leader of the Conservative party yesterday abandoned any carefully-planned strategy the party had briefly engaged in during this Election and adopted the desperate last-gasp gambit of offering a quickie to passersby in return for their vote. We asked Dave Ramsbottom for…
Morale at the some time fascist loving Daily Mail newspaper is said to be at rock bottom amid reports that journalists are exhausted by efforts to undermine Labour leader Ed Miliband. Working in a purpose built sweatshop in which Mail journalists have to produce 4000 words of copy slagging off the Labour leader per hour, a leaked…
A triumphant and increasingly cocky George Osborne has hailed economic figures which show the economy of the UK is only a little bit worse than when he took over. Speaking after GDP figures showed growth had slowed to 0.5%, the Chancellor formerly knowns as Gideon said, “Look, I took over a growing economy in 2010…
The Tory Party has said that Stephen Hawkings backing Ed Miliband and the Labour Party is nothing compared to the heavyweight nature of their celebrity backers. Speaking to Not London News a Tory insider said they had quickly stamped on any positive publicity Labour might have been expecting from the Hawkings endorsement by pointing to the…
Nicola Sturgeon has admitted that no one in the SNP can remember what the ‘S’, ‘N’ and ‘P’ in the name of the party actually stands for, it has emerged. Speaking to journalists the part-time SNP leader, who spends the rest of the week working as a Jimmy Krankie impersonator said, “We just don’t know…
Not London News can exclusively reveal that David Cameron believes his election campaign has been lacklustre and lacked passion. The balloon faced Tory leader has been criticised in recent days by Rupert Murdoch, among others, for running a low key and seemingly half-arsed campaign. Speaking to us the PM said, “You’ve asked me whether my campaign…
The world’s last remaining non-celebrity chef has died, we can report. Dave Ramsbottom of the Bottle and Glass in Whitehaven, Cumbria is said to have taken his own life after a request to appear on Saturday Morning Kitchen was rejected by the fat Yorkshire bloke who presents it. A close friend said, “Dave felt lonely…
Well over half of the UK’s population claims to have once dated Ed Miliband, it has emerged. After the Daily Mail published a damning story claiming that Ed Miliband had a number of girlfriends before settling down with his wife, newspapers were bombarded with calls from readers claiming they’d also dated the Labour leader. A…
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